On a bitter cold and snowy winter morning, a dear friend and I decided to turn on the ‘ole idiot box the other day to see what was going on in the world. To much of my dismay, the news is slower than molasses and female broadcasters are dim-witted as ever. “I don’t get it,” a CNN broadcaster declares, “they look like giant Easter eggs!” The illusive commentary was in reference to the traditional “Flour War” in celebration of the Greek Carnival. I would like to formally extend my undying gratitude to American media for upholding our ignoramus stature.
One sob story report about the recession after another, led us to a painfully last resort. Tuning into VH1’s Top 20 Countdown was probably the worst mistake I have made in my life since getting a tattoo. I have but one question for you my friends, what the hell is up with Pink’s new video?
“Sober” is the antithesis of everything Ms. Pink stood for from her last hit single (to the best of my memory) “Stupid Girls”. I don’t like Pink, I never did. Quite frankly the burly husky woman frightens me. Her sexuality was never really a question before, but after her recent divorce to Motorcross Racing superstar Carey Hart and new video to boot, I’m beginning to think she may have a case of the Lindsay Lohans. Don’t get me wrong, however, I do not have a problem with lesbians. I do however, have a problem with ego-charged androgynous displays self-sexual in nature.
Confused? Trust me, you aren’t the only one. I cannot begin to express my initial disgust with a thick, husky flat-chested woman who’s scantily clad negligee leaves absolutely nothing left to the imagination. Bear in mind that the Top 20 Countdown caters to the 13-and-under demographic, for starters. Butch haircut, nose ring and trashy tribal tattoos aside, Pink’s attempt at Madonna’s “Erotica” has already been done. The only difference in “Sober” is shotty poor taste. For this I give Pink four stars.
So what’s the big deal, you might ask? She’s just another washed-out popstar trying to reinvent herself through her sexuality, big deal. Well my friends, this is no typical born again “Like a Virgin.” This is far worse than Jewel. Not only has Pink become exactly what she hates most, she embodies it fully, whole-heartedly and is selling millions of records to the same fans who jumped on her “Stupid Girl” bandwagon. All-out hypocrisy aside, there is one serious issue I feel as though I must address in order fully expose the Slutty Girl for what she really is.
Pink has sex with herself.
No, I’m not talking about masturbation. A sin to some, yes, but this is something we all fall victim to and can easily cleanse ourselves of.
I repeat, Pink has sex with HERSELF.
Towards the end of the video, Pink crawls her way into bed. I think to myself, “Thank God, she is going to make sweet, passionate love to some hot male supermodel to redeem herself of her questionable nature"... Wrong!
Pink takes it upon herself to crawl into bed with herself. No, she’s not alone, she is with another Pink! How’d they do it? I honestly could care less. CGI has ceased to amaze me ever since Lord of the Rings. So yes, there you have it, our beloved Pink is single, sober and asexual as she passionately makes sweet love to none other than herself. She succeeds in shocking the world by riding another Pink all night long (and who said the world wasn’t big enough) and I had to force myself to watch. Upon viciously spanking her own ass, my friend and I had to pinch ourselves to make sure we weren’t dreaming, that this was actually real.
I assure you my friends, this is very, very real indeed. A living nightmare and absolute garbage. A true disgrace to popular music as we know it.
Somebody get me some Bob Dylan, Chet Baker, Willie Nelson — hell, I’d even take Kelly Clarkson or the Jonas Brothers. Something, anything to alleviate this massive dishonor to music media.
Does anyone even realize that she ripped off the title of her new album, "Funhouse" from the Stooges?!??
I rest my case.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89V7hvEmSD8
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